a K h o

omg, i succumb to the inevitable. finally i’m on facebook. the horror. the sudden exposure to a multitude of mixed feelings, worries and excitement. oh well, let’s see where it takes me…

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wowzers, it’s been almost half a year since my last update. goes to show how lazy busy i’ve been. yeah, yeah. you’ve read it all before…busy to update, loads of work to catch up on, life is just too dandy to devote time to letting the world know what’s going on with you. the usual excuses.

truth is, i couldn’t be bothered to write a note as there always seem to be something “better” to do in the real world. like watching the latest movie, tv series, reading a book, window shopping and sleep!

anyway, most interesting thing that’s been going on with me is i’m taking Herbalife. and happy to report that it really works. surprise surprise. i’ve been on it a month or so now and i’ve already gotten positive comments from friends and colleagues on my noticable change in appearance. people are actually asking me what’s my secret! cool huh.

that’s it. the end.

hi hi, been a while. i’m still alive. new company, same job, working in KL now. can’t say it’s better or worst. it’s…work. i looked stressed today. stressed enough for a girl sitting opposite me in the LRT to comment that i looked stressed. what a way to begin a conversation.

anyone heard of the book of mormon? some nice person gave it to me today. long story short, it’s sorta like the bible, a collection of words from many prophets put together by someone named mormon. i hope i got that right. okay, enough on the religious stuff.

when i was back in Kuching, i felt that my hometown was boring and that if i was in KL, there would be endless things to see and do everyday. well now i’m in KL and i *know* there are happenings happening every night somewhere, but, somehow or another i feel contented with just spending time moping around in my room.

i guess when all is said and done, it’s that as we age, we start losing the carefree attitude which made life fun. we consider and think things through before even committing to try anything out just for the hell of it. actually, this is the kind of mentality i see adopted here.

i lost track of how many “don’t want la…” when suggestions to do something out of the norm is presented. i find myself slowly drifting into this dull rhythm and i’m scared. i need to find a more active circle of people to hang with…

desperation even made me consider going to sunday church. that’s definitely not right as i’m going there for the wrong reasons. not to learn about faith but to make-new-friends. wait a minute, isn’t that acceptable? i’m on the fence with this one.

*sigh* what else can i do…

mundane -> routine -> zombie

my life is mundane. every decision i make takes a lot of consideration of what if’s. short of frying my brain from thinking too much, however ordinary for someone in their early thirties.

not a risk taker, everyday is a well-planned and structured routine. from getting up at the 7:00am alarm to methodologically going through every expected event till after 5:30pm. small window of freedom – the choice of what to have for dinner. usually recycle between various preferences in a week.

i feel like a zombie. shoulders heavy, constantly feeling alone. just hang a cloud over my head. happiness comes is small bursts. as seldom as it happens, as quickly for it to fade away. shopping for self is like that.

the rare human interaction is a welcomed joy. unfortunately, counting my real friends can be done in both hands. being too dependent on strangers and colleagues only to find comfort in short-term companionship.

friends -> family -> me

friends are all scattered and no longer walking the same path. the same person i play hide and seek with is just a passing memory. it shocks me to find out how much time and distance can twist the personality of those i thought i knew.

note to self – the strongest bond and most sincere relationship can only be found with family. nothing beats hearing the sound of your love ones asking about your well-being. even though at times conversation is stretched-thin, sometimes silence is golden.

making a life for myself. somehow it is easier without commitments. i keep convincing myself that. why would anyone choose to settle down when they’re not financially stable? i don’t understand. love is so fickle yet falling for it is irressistable. nothing last and then, life goes on.

afterlife

Posted on: April 21, 2009

if you really think about it, our average lifespan of a hundred years is pretty short. the first ten or so years of our childhood is insignificant, as really come to think of it now, i can hardly remember what transpired then. thinking back, i would daresay that i might not even be in control or in other words, conscious of my actions during that period of time.

the last twenty years of our lives would be a certain “helpless” stage as i would call it, as we’re just going to end up not being very youthful any longer. so if you add them up, that’s like more or less one third of our life spent on nothing worth celebrating about.

another one third would be mostly devoted to our “learning” period where all of us go through the growing up experience. this entails school/university life – studying, being placed in a social environment to fend for ourselves.

and finally once we graduate from that, it’s the “independence” time of our lives where we seek to make something of ourselves, accumulate assets and cultivate our network of friends – no one likes to be alone (for too long). there goes the remaining years, spent on fulfilling our feeble hopes and dreams. so really…life is pretty short, isn’t it.

which brings me to my thought of the day – is there an afterlife?

when i leave this earthly plane, will i be classified to a certain region of comfort or pain for eternity? perhaps come back as the lowest of lifeforms and work my way up the food chain to end up as human again? or linger in limbo awaiting my soul to be transplanted into a newborn – assuming that there must be a constant number of souls in this world?

i’ll admit, it’s pretty scary when dealing with the unknown. to think that as technology advances and i won’t be here someday to witness mankind’s achievements.

and after much thought and googling, i came to the conclusion as described below:

There is nothing more important to us as living beings than that we have something we can describe as a soul that continues to exist after physical death and is everlasting. For without this, it is all for naught and there was no point in existing at all for ultimately it does not matter if we live for a year or a trillion years if we do not have immortality. And in fact not having such would really be the ultimate cruelty.

i have to believe that there is more to life, even after death. your thoughts?

boredom

Posted on: April 6, 2009

i’ve got my tax forms to sort out. lazy lazy. e-filing as it is known. no more of this wishy-washy hardcopy submission nonsense. once i’m done i got to help with my mom’s. argh!! boring boring!!!

i’ve only been back less than a week and i’m already feeling useless, dejected and lost. Kuching has not change at the slightest bit (maybe because i’ve yet to go out exploring). i’m cooked up at home watching animes (something i should not be doing till after retirement). i’ve gone from playing an online game, watching animes, arranging my desktop icons and listening to mp3’s – nothing constructive.

i want work! i want to be useful. i want to get paid tons of $$$ and feel appreciated. whatever it is i’m doing now is just a waste of time. bored. bored. bored.

rant, rant, rant…

touchdown!

Posted on: April 4, 2009

i can’t believe it! i’m actually back in my room. my good old bed just a meter away. my trusty PC misses me so. “almost” everything has not changed. after unpacking my junk i found that my room suddenly feels a lot smaller. is it cozy? i don’t really know yet. being back feels just so normal. like a part of you that you never notice was ever missing.

deep down inside i’m feeling scared about what is to come. however, right now i’m just so preoccupied with things i need to get done that not every worry i have had sunked in yet. but i’m sure it’ll creep up on me soon.

mom and dad i’m sure is happy to see me, however little they showed it. we’re not a very expressive lot. dinner was ho-hum, i’m craving for some good local food. the kachang-mua and asam fish head i had at BDC was disappointingly watered down. my sister got a new car as i’m sure she is happily parading the vios around in sibu.

part of me is sad to not be in Bangkok. i guess nothing last forever. i’m dreading to work in Kuching or KL. it feels as if i’m taking a step backward than progressing forward. this feeling sucks big time.

well anyway, now that i’m back in Kuching (for a little while), i wonder who i’ll bump into soon. nothing like seeing an old face to make me feel at home. could it be you? looking forward to it. ^_^

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disclaimer

u can regard everything here as fiction, or fanfiction (me being my own fan haha), or messed up ramblings from the deranged mind of a guy in his midlife crisis. whatever. comment as u see fit. the brainless ones go to /purgatory, not that i'm saying ur a zombie. then again seeing as i'm not getting much sleep lately, i probably am one. that said, u'll realise that u can't take legal action against a zombie. cause we've gots diplomatic immuniteh. rawr.

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