a K h o

departure

Posted on: February 16, 2008

*Myself, Yourself – Nanaka’s violin solo.

a knock at my door. my awakening.
eyes intensive red, signs of insufficient sleep.
it’s already past nine. something is not right.
expecting breakfast outing before the departure.

home was eerily quiet. everyone seems to be doing stuff.
a sense of uneasiness washes over me.
what has passed before nine? i can only speculate.
no point probing deeper. it will only provoke and hurt.

an old butcher’s knife lay outside by the porch.
somehow, experience tells me that is not a good sign.
i hide it inconspicuously. and i walked outside.
dad was mending the pavement.

in one simple gesture, the picture seems to fall into place.
in one simple act, the happiness is apparently shattered.

i realize it’s not about me. not this time anyway.
yet at the same time, it does involve me.
if not now, then perhaps another day.
and that is the truth of it.

i want to blame dad, but i’m sure he is hurting inside too.
i want to shout at mom, but she has her reasons.
i want to believe it’s you, but i think you understand.
i want to say it’s my fault, because i can’t be much better.

in a life where growing up meant not being outspoken.
the smallest issues lead to awkward silence, for days at time.
where the game we play, tend to hurt people around us.
and not just ourselves.

i have to keep telling myself to be strong.
that i have to be better. to break the expectations.
it is terribly hard. i succumb too easily to simple desires.
i guess life is but a game without a reset button.

these are things i can never say out, loud.
because i was raised that way. what an excuse.

today will be a long day for you and me.
it seems the morning has already ruin it.

i wanted to give you a hug before the departure.
to wish you well and not take it to heart.
to continue to do things your way.
as long as there are no regrets.

it’s not easy. but i promise to try harder.
and in ten years reap the rewards.
it would be all the more sweeter.
i can dream.

my head is reeling from the noon sun.
i want to seclude myself in the comforting coldness.
i want to immerse myself in another me.
a life i wish i could be. at least for today.

*Myself, Yourself, the violin tune by Nanaka from the anime of the same name is a poignant piece signifying the trials and tribulations the characters of the series went through and the culmination that takes place at their ending reunion.

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disclaimer

u can regard everything here as fiction, or fanfiction (me being my own fan haha), or messed up ramblings from the deranged mind of a guy in his midlife crisis. whatever. comment as u see fit. the brainless ones go to /purgatory, not that i'm saying ur a zombie. then again seeing as i'm not getting much sleep lately, i probably am one. that said, u'll realise that u can't take legal action against a zombie. cause we've gots diplomatic immuniteh. rawr.

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