a K h o

anxiety

Posted on: December 16, 2007

my mom and dad is going on tour for christmas leaving me home alone for a week. i always get this paranoia that what if… unfortunate events should occur. silly i know, but having this communication barrier when it comes to touchy-feely subjects with my parents, it’s a load of what if’s that plays in my head.

i think i am not alone. being unable to express the sincerest feelings inside, taking for granted that they should know, leaves a big gap to our relationship when it comes to having a heartfelt conversation anywhere. the last time i ever cried in front of my parents was after my graduation, topic being coming back home, and even then the conversation was initiated by my older brother. yeah, i guess the root of the problem is initiation. easy enough to say it’s never too late to start, but the starting part is the problem.

the fear of what if’s always looming around me to the point where i would come up with scenarios and solutions to a non-existing problems – just in case. and i hate myself for that. just in case? like i’m predicting the worst. damn.

there is the question on what to do for christmas. with no astro to brighten up my christmas spirits, i’m down to dvd’s and perhaps some cutesy animes to keep me sane. brooding on what is there to achieve at gatherings is not my cup of tea. i’m no socialite. i want to be, but i’m right now at the stage where my progress through life takes precedence.

i’m guessing, and most times my guesses are quite close, is that i’ll be spending a quiet evening alone for christmas, savoring the easy life of a singles – while i still can. a new year breeds new challenges. expectation runs high and i need to be ready for a deadly blow if things does not prove to be favorable on my side. lets take it one day at a time. at least, till the end of this year.

i had a curious conversation with my colleague a few weeks back, in regards to higher beings. i seriously felt that words that was spoken that day, was supernatural. like a big hint that i was not forsaken, that someone is waiting for me to open up and admit their existence. i realize some of it may be true and that i really have nothing to lose. if i believe, and accept help, perhaps i will be heard and an opportunity will present itself. a solution of the heart, what i truly need. so i’m making a plea, an honest to goodness plea, that a sign will present itself and go from there.

…writing this last paragraph down and reading it back…feels creepy.

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disclaimer

u can regard everything here as fiction, or fanfiction (me being my own fan haha), or messed up ramblings from the deranged mind of a guy in his midlife crisis. whatever. comment as u see fit. the brainless ones go to /purgatory, not that i'm saying ur a zombie. then again seeing as i'm not getting much sleep lately, i probably am one. that said, u'll realise that u can't take legal action against a zombie. cause we've gots diplomatic immuniteh. rawr.

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